February 2010
2 posts
3 tags
molly: duuude - some homeless guy tried to get all up in Joe Biden's business at the Olympics.
mel: yeah, with a homemade security pass.
mel: we've gone over this before, but I think this is a great time to start looking at hiring new security people for the White House
molly: I couldn't get a forged doctor's note past my seventh grade homeroom teacher, but Sneaky Pete makes an ID out of construction paper and spit, and almost gets to sit in Joey B's lap?
mel: if you could sit in any government official's lap, who would it be?
molly: well it would have been teddy kennedy
molly: RIP
molly: but if not him, I think Biden would have a real Old Spice vibe that I could get on board for
mel: I don't think nancy pelosi would be terribly cozy, but if I got that close, I could confirm whether her eyes roll back in her head like a shark.
molly: would you wear your chum sweater?
mel: naturally.
3 tags
molly: is it weird to hope that barry will issue some sort of executive order to make john mayer stop saying stupid shit?
mel: the technology needed for that order could easily bankrupt the country.
mel: how would we combat all of his sexual napalm?
molly: okay, let's figure out a way to regulate it
mel: we get Warren G and Nate Dogg to revoke his hood pass?
molly: no, like tax it.
molly: every time he says something stupid, he gets taxed.
mel: like a swear jar, but interest-bearing
molly: exactly
mel: you know that he'll just pass on those costs to the consumer
molly: whatevs. just 'cause I have your body is a wonderland on my iPod doesn't mean I paid for it, y'know?
mel: you have your body is a wonderland on your iPod?
molly: it's like getting a mani/pedi for your earballs.
January 2010
7 posts
3 tags
mel: so all this stuff about obama and the legislature pushing bipartisanship has been making me think about sesame street
molly: because barney frank looks like oscar the grouch?
mel: yes.
mel: also, through kids shows, we're given this myth that we're supposed to cooperate with everyone, and behind every bully is just a sad kid who doesn't know how to interact with people, and that's why he shoved a staple into your lip
molly: oh, shit just got real
mel: but here's the thing - sometimes, you can't cooperate with everyone, and sometimes a bully is just a bully.
mel: and sometimes that bully needs a staple shoved into his lip, so he stops fucking with you.
molly: you're saying that the democrats are acting like tiny mel on the playground and letting staples get shoved into their lips repeatedly?
mel: it was outside of math class, but yes.
molly: what did you do? take karate and defeat the bully in front of the whole school?
mel: nope - again, that's what kid shows teach us.
mel: i watched over the next seven years as he got popular and had lots of friends
mel: then he got a boner in the guys shower room in tenth grade and was ostracized for the rest of high school
molly: so, we should shove staples into the republicans now, instead of waiting for them to get awkwardly-timed boners in the Senate sauna two elections from now?
mel: let's do both. i'll take staples - you're on boner duty.
molly: story of my lyfe.
3 tags
molly: so the obama kids can't watch jersey shore
mel: how else will they learn about how all Italian-Americans really are?
molly: is it weird that I'm starting to feel sorry for the jersey shore kids?
mel: um, yes?
molly: they're not really doing anything that all mid-20s people haven't done
mel: they're just doing it with more gel, body glitter and rhinestone tigers
molly: I mean, we've all done things we're not proud of
molly: we're just lucky that they weren't showed to millions of people
molly: I mean, if we really stood back with some perspective, I think we'd better understand The Situation.
mel: oh. I get it. All that just to make the reference to The Situation guy.
molly: patience is a virtue, yo.
mel: so you don't really feel sorry for them, do you?
molly: god no.
molly: I'll feel sorry for Jay Leno before I feel sorry for those blown-out bitches.
molly: i read on people.com today that barry really values women who are up on sports, so i got my ass down to the gym and signed up for a women's basketball league.
mel: you hate sports.
molly: whatever. i used to hate pulling taffy too, but then i got that gig at the taffy factory 'cause it was the only job in town and now i love it and i hope i do it until the day i die.
mel: yeah, you love it.
molly: i know i do. and i started listening to sports talk radio.
mel: oh no.
molly: i think i'm a conservative republican now and my walkman is covered in taffy, but that's fine.
mel: you know, when we started this blog, you weren't a taffy-pulling jock. would you say that it's safe to say that barry changed u?
molly: yes. that's safe.
3 tags
mel: so according to these tax reform things, lower income students get $2,000 for their education.
molly: well, i'm definitely lower income.
mel: BEAUTY SCHOOL HERE WE COME!
molly: SPACE CAMP HERE WE COME!
mel: uhhhh, wait...
molly: yeah, what? beauty school?
mel: space camp? i'm pretty sure space camp doesn't count as school
molly: i'm pretty sure you only want to go to beauty school to satisfy
that weird mannequin fetish of yours.
mel: but they're so still.
molly: but then again, space is probably really boring. and I don't want to learn anything.
mel: and i guess i always have department stores.
molly: you wanna just get some space ice cream and go to Nordstrom's for some us time?
mel: you're special to me.
3 tags
mel: BOOM. Barry's going to call for $250 million big ones for math and science education.
molly: PIE R SQUARED, MOTHERFUCKERS.
mel: aww yeah, it's about to get real quadratic up in here
molly: our logarithms are going to beat the shit out of your logarithms
mel: the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire (because we set it on fire with our bunsen burners for motherfucking experimental purposes)
molly: we're dropping some bomb-ass beats on these plants here to see if they'll grow faster
mel: ...
molly: yeah, I ran out of bits pretty quickly. Good thing they're spending this money so kids won't be as fucking useless as we are.
mel: Fibonacci sequence, bitchez!
molly: do you know what that is, or are you just saying a phrase you vaguely remember?
mel: goddammit.
mel: so I'm beginning to wonder why we haven't been invited to the white house.
mel: apparently anybody with a pulse can waltz into a dinner and get a fucking high five from the president
molly: while we, as esteemed pundits who are contributing to the ongoing political discourse, are getting the cold shoulder.
mel: though, to be fair, we are pundits with serious profanity problems and probable undiagnosed personality disorders
molly: you're right. if I was a secret service dude, I probably wouldn't let assholes like us in to kick it with Barry either.
mel: if I was a secret service dude, I would hate that earpiece thingy I'd have to wear.
molly: but I would enjoy the authority and dope sunglasses that came with it.
mel: unforch, I'm too pretty to take a bullet.
molly: yeah, I'm a bleeder.
mel: we should stick to typing nonsense and barging in uninvited to parties in the greater LA area.
molly: i wouldn't have it any other way.
mel: okay, gotta come clean.
molly: yeah, we haven't talked in agez.
mel: I had a sex dream about barry and michelle
mel: and I sort of couldn't deal with it.
molly: HOLY FUCKING SHIT
mel: don't judge me
molly: NOT JUDGING. I HAD ONE TOO.
mel: HOLY FUCKING SHIT
mel: we are connected through time and space, girl.
molly: was the dream hot?
mel: is the oval office oval?
mel: was yours hot?
molly: let's just say the commander in chief was very commanding
mel: well, i'm glad we got that cleared up.
molly: yeah, missed you, boo.
mel: yay 2010!
molly: happy new year!
November 2009
3 posts
mel: so...it's been a year since the election.
molly: yeah, but he's only been in office since inauguration day.
mel: so you're thinking he's gonna pull out the stops in the next two months and really wow us?
molly: yep, I'm expecting solar-powered hoverboards and Israeli-Palestinian theme parks in the Gaza Strip by January.
mel: what about the unregulated financial sector, an economy that's bleeding out, two increasingly unwinnable wars, continued lack of commitment to gay rights issues, slow progress on closing Gitmo, health care reform that is still deeply influenced by the insurance and pharma lobbyists, and North Korean nuclear tests?
molly: maybe you didn't hear me.
molly: HOVERBOARDS.
mel: you're right. I want a blue one! With flames!
molly: i'm gonna bedazzle mine!
molly: have anything planned for barry's anniversary?
mel: yes. i have been laid out in a lace teddy with pumpkin pie filling in all of my orifices for hour.
molly: you stole my idea!
mel: unique ideas to surprise your lover are hard to come by.
mel: you think barry's hitting the leftover halloween candy?
molly: just drowning his sorrows in reese's peanut butter cups like the rest of us after the costumes come off.
mel: although he probably didn't sleep in his fake eyelashes like SOMEBODY I know
molly: that's right - I'm sure he had his secret service detail take them off after he passed out amidst a mound of Twizzler wrappers and tallboys
molly: speaking of, do you think I can return fake eyelashes? I don't think there's too much of my eye gunk on them.
mel: if the great pumpkin did come, i think you'd make him sad.
October 2009
18 posts
mel: just daydreamed about Barry dressed up like a cat for halloween.
molly: like a black panther?
mel: no, just a classic sexy cat with the headband ears and fuzzy tail.
molly: i'm sort of ugh about halloween this year
mel: i'm tired of - "I spent a lot of money and time and effort on a costume that I can't have any fun in and that, in a best-case scenario, will end up broken, torn or covered in vomit by the end of the night."
molly: yeah, and if I saw barry in a really great costume, instead of being impressed, I'd be like, "Didn't you have some fucking work to do?"
mel: also, after lady gaga, no one's really going to impress me with costumes.
molly: she's doing halloween 24-7.
mel: at a party, she'd be like - "oh, wow - you rented that Captain Jack Sparrow costume again? Yeah, I spent September dressed up as a fucking planetoid for no reason at all. Later, boner."
molly: actually, that would be hilarious if she dressed up for halloween in a really shitty costume, like a sexy cat.
mel: but then the next day, got the lower half of her body removed and replaced with cat legs, just for fun.
molly: that's the kind of commitment i want from my pop stars these days. otherwise, i ain't even getting out of bed.
mel: the dems health care bill is gonna cost $894 billion over the next ten years.
molly: damn. do you know what i would do with 894 billion?
mel: "buy a lot of guns". yes, i know, we've already talked about this.
molly: that's right! sweet diamond incrusted guns with skulls and tigers and hearts all over them
mel: this is why no one would ever let you be president.
molly: wait, why?
mel: because you want to reallocate our health care money to developing a line of ed hardy guns.
molly: i think that's exactly why i could be elected.
molly: if i got every douchebag from Long Island to Long Beach to vote for me and my sparkly gun platform, i'll be running this country before you know it.
mel: you're so right that it scares me.
molly: so barry wants to send $250 to all social security recipients
mel: if you were an old woman, what would you do with your $250?
molly: buy a lot of purple clothes.
molly: if i'm shuffling off this mortal coil soon, i'm gonna look fun doing it.
mel: i'd go to the dog track and bet it all on one race
mel: in my head, the dog would be named "The General."
molly: the country is in real trouble when we're old
mel: i'm gonna be so fucking entitled.
mel: hey, fuck you, joe lieberman.
mel: you want to filibuster the public option? FUCK YOU JOE LIEBERMAN
molly: yep. no jokes. FUCK YOU, JOE LIEBERMAN.
mel: I'm trying to think of other things to say, but it keeps coming back to FUCK YOU, JOE LIEBERMAN.
molly: you know, we should get on to other--FUCK YOU JOE LIEBERMAN
mel: i'm having a crepe for lun--FUCKYOUJOELIEBERMAN
molly: going for a maniFUCKYOUJOELIEBERMANNNN
mel: FYJL
molly: fffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuucKYOUJOELIBERMAN
molly: barry's all over h1n1. he's totally going to kick its ass.
mel: yeah, well hopefully not before i get out of work next tuesday
molly: you still think getting swine flu is the best way to ensure you're first in line for jojo at the wiltern?
mel: i just took a ride on the metro and licked every single seat.
mel: twice.
molly: the metro? well, that's certainly a good place to try. too bad you can't go in to trader joe's anymore after what you pulled on friday.
mel: nah, forget it. they're all too healthy there to have swine flu. beside, if a grocery store cant handle me putting their credit card machine styluses in my mouth, then i don't want to shop there anyway.
molly: why don't you just fake sick? i'm sure you don't want to be at jojo with h1n1 anyway.
mel: goddamnit, molly. i will stop at nothing to see jojo, even if it means i have to infect myself and a room full of los angeles tweens.
molly: bring me back a t-shirt.
molly: ugh, this obama vs. fox news thing is kind of ridiculous
mel: why whip up the hornet's nest?
mel: it's not like their audience is suddenly going to go, "wait - obama isn't going to let them do interviews? honey, let's switch to NBC!"
molly: it's sort of like trying to ignore the loud, smug kid in your freshman economics class.
molly: the one with the beady eyes, squinting through the encroaching jowls of the self-satisfied
mel: the one who sort of read some ayn rand and has "johngalt1776" as his IM name
molly: the only way to really get him to shut up is to find him at a party where he's holding forth about Keynes or something, get him liquored up, wait for him to pass out, then have everybody take pictures with their balls on his face.
molly: then you can send those to the entire school. After that, he stays quiet.
mel: TEA BAG PARTY!!!!
molly: we were very patriotic that night.
mel: barry's tightening the noose on exec compensation
molly: that's a good metaphor, but ultimately it's basically autoerotic asphyxiation
mel: like the banks are going to use barry's increased regulation to make stealing money from taxpayers feel that much better?
molly: to be clear, stealing our money is like jerking off for Wall Street.
mel: can we work michael hutchence into this bit somehow?
molly: no. it will always be too soon.
mel: come on barry - it's public option time.
molly: stop worrying about putting on tuxes and raising money from wall street guys who don't like you anyway and start swinging the big stick on health care reform
mel: sure, you look great in that dinner jacket, but you'd also look great being hoisted around by about 13 million happy Americans who can suddenly go to the doctor.
molly: think about that - the ultimate crowd surf.
mel: yeah, we could pretend it was the biggest concert ever
molly: barry could get all his fave acts
mel: earth wind and fire
molly: and then with ALL the people who now have real health care, barry could crowd surf for days.
mel: a tsunami of healthy people.
molly: so stop dicking around
mel: we're going to go get some of those yard-long beers now.
molly: see ya at the chillout tent!
mel: so barry's doing stoners a solid.
mel: he's not going to send federal prosecutors after medical marijuana users or suppliers.
molly: FINALLY.
molly: I can stop worrying about getting hassled for getting stoned at the coffee bean now.
mel: no...I think you can still get hassled for getting stoned at the coffee bean.
mel: this isn't amsterdam.
molly: what about starbucks?
mel: do you actually have a medical marijuana card?
molly: like a punch card, where you get free weed after the tenth purchase?
molly: i should suggest that to my dealer.
mel: no, you get a prescription from a doctor who says your condition requires the use of medical marijuana.
molly: what condition? do i have a condition?
molly: u have a condition
mel: you're stoned at the coffee bean right now, aren't you?
molly: i want to take a bath in this pumpkin latte
mel: what, oh what is barry going to do about falcon and the great balloon debacle of '09?
molly: I think that kid's wings have already been clipped.
mel: ugh, you make me want to throw up on the today show
mel: the real question is what will the memesphere do now that it's all over?
molly: yeah, it's like when you're in a long distance relationship with someone you don't like, and you come for a visit
molly: you show up, there's a lot of crazy sex, and then when it's over, it's the cold realization of "now what do we do?"
mel: do you work a lot of photoshop into your sexual repertoire?
molly: a lady doesn't tell.
molly: also, i'm old-fashioned. I prefer MS Paint.
molly: barry's going to clean up in two hours what george bush ignored
when he flew over new orleans in that helicopter.
mel: well, to be fair, bush interacted with the citizens by throwing
beads out the window of the helicopter and demanding he see the
victim's titties.
molly: yeah, and wasn't he drinking a hurricane?
mel: absolutely, supporting their economy.
molly: and didn't he have the pilot bring down the 'copter on the most
secure looking building still standing and run down to get himself
some crawfish?
mel: And I think he made a bonfire out of some driftwood that used to be someone's house and fed part of the city's rations to stray dogs.
molly: barry has some big shoes to fill, but I think he can do it.
molly: so did you hear about this Tween Summit in Washington?
mel: yeah. they wouldn't stop texting me about it.
molly: they make it sound like there are all these tween girls who understand the health care debate and have opinions about gun control.
molly: that makes me so ashamed of 11-year-old me.
mel: yeah. 11-year-old mel only cared about books about elves and headbangers ball.
molly: you could have tried to tell me about enslaved children in ghana when I was eleven, but I wouldn't have heard you over the mighty mighty bosstones playing in my walkman
mel: and now there's a tween in the white house.
molly: we should have a talk with her.
molly: don't make 11-year-old-us look bad.
mel: try doing something vapid and/or lame and/or dangerous.
molly: yeah, sneak out on sunday afternoon while your mom is sleeping to go to the mall so you can get glamour shots taken so Chip McConkle will like you.
mel: did it work?
molly: no. but glamour is its own reward.
mel: nothing says "grace kelly" like feathered hair and a bedazzled denim jacket.
molly: stop all that sexting, tweens and pay attention.
molly: you wanna get a man, you better tease it out and shine it up.
mel: you just became a gay pageant coach.
molly: DREAMZZZZ
mel: big barry just got himself a nobel peace prize.
molly: whatevs.
molly: I just got myself a domino's pizza prize.
mel: did you make an international call for nuclear disarmament?
molly: no, it's just a local call.
molly: but I did help this girl next door get her weave unstuck from her ironing board.
mel: how did her weave get stuck to the ironing board?
molly: it's a quagmire, yo.
molly: fog of war, and all that.
mel: can i come over and share your prize?
molly: come quick. the republicans don't think I deserve it.
molly: you know who's exactly alike?
mel: north korea and jon gosselin?
molly: omg! yes! that's exactly what i was about to say.
mel: and the us is like kate
molly: exactly. and the twins are like russia, feeling optimistic and coaxing the two of us back together.
mel: except the twins have something russia will never have!
molly: what?!
mel: BIRTHDAY CAKE!
molly: !!!!!!
mel: brb, i'm going to the men's room to cry.
molly: understood.
mel: WHY ARE WE BOMBING THE MOON?
molly: because it's smug.
mel: i think i've watched too many movies about robots, because when I heard that the spacecraft that is firing on the moon would then crash into the moon right afterwards, I got sad for the spacecraft.
molly: are you picturing johnny five from short circuit when you think about the spacecraft?
mel: i would rather hang out with johnny five than most of the people I know.
molly: if barry could get the government to make me a robot that would crack a lot of great 80s jokes and do funny things with his eyebrow plates, i would vote for him to be king forever.
mel: fuck democracy. we've got hilarious robots.
molly: do you think barry's as excited for where the wild things are as you are?
mel: impossible.
mel: i'm fully expecting that I'll just sob for two hours in the theatre.
molly: i wonder if he's ever read it to malia and sasha.
mel: and Michelle comes in and watches them
molly: and then when he's tucked the girls in, he grabs michelle and goes "I'll show you where the wild things are."
mel: and then neve campbell and denise richards are there all circa 1996
molly: and everybody's in the pool
mel: except kevin bacon
molly: there's black eyeliner everywhere
mel: and then neve says, "let the wild rumpus begin."
mel: blech. i just grossed myself out.
molly: yep. another lovely childhood memory ruined.
molly: this is going to probably sound a little silly, but i wonder if there's anything barry can do about this whole jon and kate thing. i've been grinding my teeth at night.
molly: maybe send them to camp david for a weekend with a mediator and maybe they can find a way to be amicable and work things out.
mel: you still think barry should quit working on health care reform and just concentrate on fixing unfortunate celebrity gossip stories?
molly: yeah, i mean, i'm can't be alone in this! i can't possibly be the only one who's starting experiencing heart palpation ever since polanski got arrested. i wouldn't need health care if the things that were ruining my health were taken care of directly.
mel: and you're the one who owes 15,000 bucks to cedars sinai for the ambulance ride and stomach pump last weekend.
molly: exactly. maybe i wouldn't feel the urge to eat an entire bottle of Benadryl and chase it with a handle of bacardi o if i could just get some closure on this fucking Jessica Simpson/Tony Romo thing. A public apology from Romo delivered from the oval office! something!
mel: all those out of pocket therapy sessions adding up?
molly: exactly. and don't even get me started on the broken hands.
mel: you never even started punching walls until kirstie alley got twitter.
molly: last night's episode of the hills was intense.
mel: i was on the edge of my seat the whole time! who do you think justin bobby is going to pick? audrina or kristin?
molly: i think you know that the real question here is "who would barry pick?"
mel: i think he's going to pick audrina. she's a dependable silent partner.
molly: oh hell no! kristin all. the. way. barry needs a strong woman with an opinion.
mel: yeah right, slut! audrina's been on the hills for five years. that makes her a classic.
molly: are you really going to step to me, you fat whore? you don't even know what you're talking about. barry is all about change, and what could be a bigger change than LC stepping down as narrator and kristin taking over.
molly: the final answer is kristin.
mel: you're messing with the wrong bitch!
molly: go eat another slice of cheesecake, you vicious hippo.
September 2009
15 posts
mel: so barry's stumping for Chicago to get the Olympics in 2016!
mel: for a second, I got excited, and then I remembered that I don't give a shit about the olympics.
molly: yeah.
molly: sure, I got high and super overwhelmed about the opening ceremony in beijing, but once I found out that the cute girl was lip-syncing, it was all over for me.
mel: the only thing that would get me on board for a Chi-town Olympics would be if the opening was just like the Twist and Shout sequence from Ferris Bueller.
molly: YES. my heart gives him a perfect 10 forevvvvverrrrrr
mel: so choice.
mel: also, for the record, if I saw mia sara today, I would lose my damn mind.
molly: never underestimate the power of white fringe.
mel: HOT TUB HOT TUB HOT TUB HOT TUB
molly: dood, check out this video: http://vimeo.com/6747788
mel: WOW. Wow! look at that!
molly: i know, i think it's suggesting that barry is a wax statue of some sort.
mel: yeah, that has an internal wick that was lit the day we elected him and will never ever die.
molly: like those candles in catholic churches, except he probably smells like a mixture of blueberry muffins and vanilla.
mel: oh man, he's like an actual living, breathing yankee candle.
molly: except it's OK if you leave the house while he's burning because he'd never, ever destroy your property so that when you come home nine hours later to a smoking pile of rubble, you don't have to be all "someone must have thrown a cigarette butt, i have no idea what happened, fire marshal peterson."
mel: yeah, and you couldn't get arrested for filing a false insurance claim or anything.
molly: god bless america.
mel: whoa. col. quaddafi is drunk as a skunk at the UN.
mel: he referred to Obama as "our son."
molly: can you imagine having to ask quaddafi for the keys to the station wagon?
mel: yeah, you might make it to the movies, or it might blow up.
mel: kind of a crapshoot.
molly: or what if he was your stepdad, and he was really trying to be cool with you?
molly: "hey, look, I know what you're going through. we've all wanted to blow up an airliner or two because of a girl. hang in, bro."
mel: i can definitely see him being a problem at a soccer game
molly: refs don't like it when you threaten to blow them up.
mel: what do you think about gloria borger's call for "boss obama"?
molly: i would prefer a floss obama who was really tough on gingivitis
mel: or a hoss obama who channeled the great dan blocker in his every day work.
molly: or a joss obama who channeled the soulful voice of a british r&b singer
mel: or a ross obama that desperately pined for his sisters roommate for ten television seasons.
molly: yeahhhhhh, that's the one.
mel: so what kind of counterinsurgency plan do you think Obama should implement going forward?
molly: i don't know, but my counterjerk plan seems to be working really well.
molly: i've put up a strong line of defense against jerks and I feel that it's been successful in reversing the momentum of the jerks.
mel: how have you combated the muscular and sophisticated jerk force, with their extensive propaganda tactics?
molly: while they may be muscular, their propaganda tactics have mainly been limited to joint readings of The Game, so the main problem has been the fact that there are so many of them.
mel: plus, we inadvertently armed today's jerks back in the 80s, when Duran Duran made it okay for men to wear shiny clothing with rhinestones on them.
molly: we created a monster.
molly: and his name is Tucker Max.
mel: will your counterjerk strategy extend to tactical strikes?
molly: if that jerk gets his dirty bomb hands anywhere near me, it's mushroom cloud time.
molly: :(
mel: why the long face?
molly: barry addressed the jews today, and we all know he's a christian, but when is he going to show some love to MY religion?
mel: oh, i think the day for the holy church of the blessed chihuahua is coming.
molly: i hope so, my people have suffered for too long.
mel: you mean, you and wagandstuff?
molly: see! we are the last acceptable prejudice!
molly: us, the fatties and the scientologists.
mel: is wags still a sci-ti?
molly: totes. he eats thetans instead of treats.
molly: he goes hiking with beck and giovanni ribisi.
mel: you're going to be so famous.
molly: i know.
molly: everybody's jabbering about Carter calling Joe Wilson a racist.
mel: such a shame.
mel: we all know Joe was misquoted.
molly: what? there was a bug on the guy in front of him and he shouted "shoo fly"?
mel: no. what he actually said was "Jew lie!"
molly: oh, so he wasn't talking about the health care reform bill at all.
molly: he was just randomly denying the holocaust.
mel: exactly.
molly: well, we know he'll be able to get a job at Fox when he loses the next election.
molly: well, hallelujah - bernanke says the recession is over.
mel: huzzah! banknotes and raises should begin falling from the ceiling any moment now!
molly: we'll all play on slip n' slides, except instead of water, we'll be sliding on money!
mel: i'll have some tacos, but instead of taco shells, I'll wrap up that carne asada in crisp, delicious twenty-dollar bills!
molly: i'll trade in my corolla for a rolls-royce made of gold bouillon!
mel: i'm going to finance a broadway show that features a chorus line of girls covered in krugerrands!
molly: i'm going to make a scale model of Fenway Park entirely out of blood diamonds!
mel: happy days are fucking here again.
mel: what do you think obama feels about kanye stealing the mic from lil' Taylor Swift?
mel: taylor looked like someone had punched her pony in the mouth.
molly: if Kanye could steal all the mics in the world, he would.
molly: barry would have to send in the navy seals to keep him from pulling that shit.
mel: but we can't afford to fight wars on multiple fronts.
molly: yeah, if we tried to fight kanye's ego, quagmire wouldn't begin to define it.
mel: sixteen years in and we'd be helicoptering the last survivors out of kanye's ego.
molly: then a Coppola would have to make a movie about going up river into the heart of kanye's ego.
mel: the horror...the horror...
molly: are you talking about 808s and Heartbreak?
mel: OH SNAP
mel: damn. looks like we're getting ready to talk with n.korea again.
molly: i just wish we would ignore them
mel: it's impossible to ignore anyone who you've had such an intense
relationship with.
molly: no it ain't. just delete kim j.i. from your contact list, drop
off his shit in a cardboard box and move the fuck on.
mel: don't you think that's a bit cold?
molly: oh hell no. and we should be removing n. korea from our facebook too.
molly: who needs the constant reminder that they're "lifting at the
gym" or "grabbing a bite"?
mel: right. i think i'm going to take n.korea out of my myspace top 8
and send out a bulletin to all my friends telling them not to believe anything they say about me.
molly: and stop making payments on their car, too.
mel: i feel so liberated.
molly: good! now go put on something sparkly and reserve bottle service
at le deux.
mel: you got it, girlfriend!
molly: stay strong!
mel: Obama health-care reform speech! so excited!
molly: what if the speech was like a summer festival rock concert?
mel: like the Glam Slam Metal Jam?
mel: you could buy Poison thongs at that one.
molly: how do you know that?
mel: not important.
molly: anyway, what if everybody in congress had those yard-long wine margaritas
mel: and somebody was doing henna tattoos
molly: and girls were all getting fake dreadlock braids
mel: and it doesn't matter who's playing, everybody's just having a good time
mel: and the next thing you know, we're all wearing Poison thongs and we've got universal health care.
molly: i really wish you'd stop talking about thongs, Poison or otherwise.
mel: hey, every rose has its thorn.
molly: when I see you next, cowboy, you're going to be singing a sad, sad fucking song.
mel: why didn't you answer your phone today?
molly: you called me?
mel: not from my number. from the culver city police station's line.
molly: what!? are you OK?
mel: yeah, i got someone else to bail me out.
molly: you got arrested!? why?
mel: are you aware it's illegal to be on school campuses without permission?
molly: ...yes.
mel: it was a PUBLIC school! I thought that meant it was open to the
public! I wanted to watch Barry's address in an authentic setting.
molly: you did not.
mel: yeah, the teacher did not take kindly to me ducking in the back
to watch it.
molly: ...
mel: and she really didn't take kindly to me joining the semi-circle
on the rainbow mat.
molly: oh, man.
mel: btw, have you had apple juice and graham crackers recently?
mel: killer combo.
molly: what?
mel: I was there for snack time!
mel: so barry's going to indoctrinate the schoolchildren of america with socialist propaganda
mel: or maybe he's going to just tell them not to drop out and to not do drugs.
mel: not sure which.
molly: what's the difference, bro?
molly: what's more socialist than staying in school and not doing drugs?
molly: what those kids need to be doing is dropping out right away and starting a small business
mel: like, say, a little mom-and-pop drug operation?
molly: real salt of the earth kind of thing.
mel: in fact, i'd say that it's their patriotic duty to start said business, then exercise the spirit of free enterprise by undercutting the prices of other drug operations, thereby increasing competition.
molly: don't forget supply and demand: aggressively promote the drugs to kids, both as users and potential employees of your drug operation.
molly: you increase the demand for your product, you can charge more and you'll be providing a stable source of employment for your growing work force
mel: so there it is, kids: drop out of school and start shoveling that snow, or else you're a filthy fucking socialist.
molly: i'm pretty sure we've got the issue figured out.
mel: good for us.
mel: so a healthcare reform protestor bit somebody's finger off at a rally.
molly: he was hungry for change.
mel: it was a pinky, which makes him a socialist.
molly: do you think rahmbo is pissed that somebody's stealing his fingerless thunder?
mel: i would be.
mel: sidebar - do you want to start a band called Fingerless Thunder?
molly: only if we insist on playing with our noses and elbows.
molly: and we do a lot of Beyonce covers.
mel: we're going to be big on the bar mitzvah circuit.
mel: how's your new juggalo lifestyle going?
molly: it's going. but i'm starting to wonder, will being a juggalo change my relationship with barry?
mel: nah, i don't think so. beside, i've always gotten a very "closet juggalo" vibe from him.
molly: yeah, that's what i've been thinking! he's totally a juggalo.
mel: you know, i heard they serve faygo at white house dinners.
molly: you heard that? wow.
mel: yeah, and you know his favorite movie is the fifth installment in the friday the 13th series starring Kane Hodder who proudly identifies himself as a juggalo.
molly: ya don't say! do you think this means that juggalos will soon be running our nation?
mel: i think they already are. have you not considered that this summer of death is really a government-run juggalo mass murder?
molly: mind blown. you've blown my mind.
mel: all makes sense, doesn't it.
molly: nothing's ever made more sense in my life.
August 2009
15 posts
molly: so dick cheney is all up in obama's face about the CIA torture investigations.
molly: apparently, he's worried that people won't "sign up" for future torture missions if we go after these guys.
mel: I like the idea that there's a "signup" sheet on a cork board somewhere, like for glee club or the one-act play.
molly: yeah, then they go audition in the cafetorium.
mel: "I'll be doing the stage manager's opening from "Our Town", then kicking a hooded man in the testicles for five minutes."
molly: then they all crowd around the cork board later to see if they got the part.
molly: there's a lot of crying and hugging and forced congratulations.
mel: it's just like FAME, but with more internal bleeding.
molly: teddy's gone, the LA forest is ablaze...i don't like where this wednesday is going.
mel: you think the end times are upon us?
molly: i'm always expecting the apocalypse
molly: today, i'm just sad.
mel: but we should probably head down to the fallout shelter just to be safe.
molly: i think that's a little premature.
molly: we've still gotta talk about barry's vacation.
mel: but i canned apricots...
molly: when did you learn how to can?
mel: i made apricopalypse preserves!
molly: ....
molly: it took me a minute to figure that word out.
mel: it's apricots and apocalypse put together!
molly: you're testing me, dude. REALLY testing me.
molly: do you think barry is more like a SHARK or a CAT?
mel: definitely neither. he's definitely some sort of animal we've never heard of.
molly: like a at least a step below a shark in terms of anger and a step above a cat in terms of fierceness, so maybe like a dolphin/tiger?
mel: a diger? or a tolphin? yeah.
mel: that's poss. i feel he's more fantastical than that though. maybe a lamb and a ocelot.
molly: he could be a locelot or a oceamb, I'll give you that, but that's really not that fantastical.
mel: true. i'm thinking he's more like a cross between a fire-breathing dragon and a basket of adorable ferrets that are named things like "flower" and "jennifer"
molly: yeah. he's totally a fegon named jennifer.
mel: good work today.
molly: yeah, i try.
mel: so barry's with the fam in martha's vineyard.
molly: did you know that there's a beach on the island where lots of wealthy black families who have lived there for years that's called "the inkwell?"
mel: srsly?
molly: yep.
mel: do you think obama knew about that?
mel: 'cause that sounds sort of...racist-ish.
molly: on the upside, they did film jaws there.
mel: at the inkwell?
molly: heavens no. jaws was from new england.
molly: i'm sure he preferred lambert's cove.
mel: so he was a racist-ish shark?
molly: did you see him eating any black people in that movie?
mel: there were no black people in that movie.
molly: EXACTLY.
mel: i wanna know what obama thinks about this whole blackwater kill squad thing
molly: not really a big deal.
molly: they keep showing up at my apartment
mel: CIA-funded black ops teams are showing up at your apartment?
molly: yeah, with pamphlets and stuff
mel: do they have guns?
molly: i didn't ask.
mel: what did they want?
molly: to save my eternal soul
mel: you're thinking of jehovah's witnesses
molly: oh. are they funded by the CIA?
mel: doubtful.
mel: that's a strange thing to get confused about.
molly: you're a strange thing to get confused about.
molly: don't make me tell the blackwater kill squad where your house is.
mel: I--never mind.