- mel: so...it's been a year since the election.
- molly: yeah, but he's only been in office since inauguration day.
- mel: so you're thinking he's gonna pull out the stops in the next two months and really wow us?
- molly: yep, I'm expecting solar-powered hoverboards and Israeli-Palestinian theme parks in the Gaza Strip by January.
- mel: what about the unregulated financial sector, an economy that's bleeding out, two increasingly unwinnable wars, continued lack of commitment to gay rights issues, slow progress on closing Gitmo, health care reform that is still deeply influenced by the insurance and pharma lobbyists, and North Korean nuclear tests?
- molly: maybe you didn't hear me.
- molly: HOVERBOARDS.
- mel: you're right. I want a blue one! With flames!
- molly: i'm gonna bedazzle mine!
November 4, 2009
November 3, 2009
- molly: have anything planned for barry's anniversary?
- mel: yes. i have been laid out in a lace teddy with pumpkin pie filling in all of my orifices for hour.
- molly: you stole my idea!
- mel: unique ideas to surprise your lover are hard to come by.
November 2, 2009
- mel: you think barry's hitting the leftover halloween candy?
- molly: just drowning his sorrows in reese's peanut butter cups like the rest of us after the costumes come off.
- mel: although he probably didn't sleep in his fake eyelashes like SOMEBODY I know
- molly: that's right - I'm sure he had his secret service detail take them off after he passed out amidst a mound of Twizzler wrappers and tallboys
- molly: speaking of, do you think I can return fake eyelashes? I don't think there's too much of my eye gunk on them.
- mel: if the great pumpkin did come, i think you'd make him sad.
October 30, 2009
- mel: just daydreamed about Barry dressed up like a cat for halloween.
- molly: like a black panther?
- mel: no, just a classic sexy cat with the headband ears and fuzzy tail.
- molly: i'm sort of ugh about halloween this year
- mel: i'm tired of - "I spent a lot of money and time and effort on a costume that I can't have any fun in and that, in a best-case scenario, will end up broken, torn or covered in vomit by the end of the night."
- molly: yeah, and if I saw barry in a really great costume, instead of being impressed, I'd be like, "Didn't you have some fucking work to do?"
- mel: also, after lady gaga, no one's really going to impress me with costumes.
- molly: she's doing halloween 24-7.
- mel: at a party, she'd be like - "oh, wow - you rented that Captain Jack Sparrow costume again? Yeah, I spent September dressed up as a fucking planetoid for no reason at all. Later, boner."
- molly: actually, that would be hilarious if she dressed up for halloween in a really shitty costume, like a sexy cat.
- mel: but then the next day, got the lower half of her body removed and replaced with cat legs, just for fun.
- molly: that's the kind of commitment i want from my pop stars these days. otherwise, i ain't even getting out of bed.
October 29, 2009
- mel: the dems health care bill is gonna cost $894 billion over the next ten years.
- molly: damn. do you know what i would do with 894 billion?
- mel: "buy a lot of guns". yes, i know, we've already talked about this.
- molly: that's right! sweet diamond incrusted guns with skulls and tigers and hearts all over them
- mel: this is why no one would ever let you be president.
- molly: wait, why?
- mel: because you want to reallocate our health care money to developing a line of ed hardy guns.
- molly: i think that's exactly why i could be elected.
- molly: if i got every douchebag from Long Island to Long Beach to vote for me and my sparkly gun platform, i'll be running this country before you know it.
- mel: you're so right that it scares me.
October 28, 2009
- molly: so barry wants to send $250 to all social security recipients
- mel: if you were an old woman, what would you do with your $250?
- molly: buy a lot of purple clothes.
- molly: if i'm shuffling off this mortal coil soon, i'm gonna look fun doing it.
- mel: i'd go to the dog track and bet it all on one race
- mel: in my head, the dog would be named "The General."
- molly: the country is in real trouble when we're old
- mel: i'm gonna be so fucking entitled.
October 27, 2009
- mel: hey, fuck you, joe lieberman.
- mel: you want to filibuster the public option? FUCK YOU JOE LIEBERMAN
- molly: yep. no jokes. FUCK YOU, JOE LIEBERMAN.
- mel: I'm trying to think of other things to say, but it keeps coming back to FUCK YOU, JOE LIEBERMAN.
- molly: you know, we should get on to other--FUCK YOU JOE LIEBERMAN
- mel: i'm having a crepe for lun--FUCKYOUJOELIEBERMAN
- molly: going for a maniFUCKYOUJOELIEBERMANNNN
- mel: FYJL
- molly: fffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuucKYOUJOELIBERMAN
October 26, 2009
- molly: barry's all over h1n1. he's totally going to kick its ass.
- mel: yeah, well hopefully not before i get out of work next tuesday
- molly: you still think getting swine flu is the best way to ensure you're first in line for jojo at the wiltern?
- mel: i just took a ride on the metro and licked every single seat.
- mel: twice.
- molly: the metro? well, that's certainly a good place to try. too bad you can't go in to trader joe's anymore after what you pulled on friday.
- mel: nah, forget it. they're all too healthy there to have swine flu. beside, if a grocery store cant handle me putting their credit card machine styluses in my mouth, then i don't want to shop there anyway.
- molly: why don't you just fake sick? i'm sure you don't want to be at jojo with h1n1 anyway.
- mel: goddamnit, molly. i will stop at nothing to see jojo, even if it means i have to infect myself and a room full of los angeles tweens.
- molly: bring me back a t-shirt.
October 23, 2009
- molly: ugh, this obama vs. fox news thing is kind of ridiculous
- mel: why whip up the hornet's nest?
- mel: it's not like their audience is suddenly going to go, "wait - obama isn't going to let them do interviews? honey, let's switch to NBC!"
- molly: it's sort of like trying to ignore the loud, smug kid in your freshman economics class.
- molly: the one with the beady eyes, squinting through the encroaching jowls of the self-satisfied
- mel: the one who sort of read some ayn rand and has "johngalt1776" as his IM name
- molly: the only way to really get him to shut up is to find him at a party where he's holding forth about Keynes or something, get him liquored up, wait for him to pass out, then have everybody take pictures with their balls on his face.
- molly: then you can send those to the entire school. After that, he stays quiet.
- mel: TEA BAG PARTY!!!!
- molly: we were very patriotic that night.
October 22, 2009
- mel: barry's tightening the noose on exec compensation
- molly: that's a good metaphor, but ultimately it's basically autoerotic asphyxiation
- mel: like the banks are going to use barry's increased regulation to make stealing money from taxpayers feel that much better?
- molly: to be clear, stealing our money is like jerking off for Wall Street.
- mel: can we work michael hutchence into this bit somehow?
- molly: no. it will always be too soon.
