February 18, 2010
  • molly: duuude - some homeless guy tried to get all up in Joe Biden's business at the Olympics.
  • mel: yeah, with a homemade security pass.
  • mel: we've gone over this before, but I think this is a great time to start looking at hiring new security people for the White House
  • molly: I couldn't get a forged doctor's note past my seventh grade homeroom teacher, but Sneaky Pete makes an ID out of construction paper and spit, and almost gets to sit in Joey B's lap?
  • mel: if you could sit in any government official's lap, who would it be?
  • molly: well it would have been teddy kennedy
  • molly: RIP
  • molly: but if not him, I think Biden would have a real Old Spice vibe that I could get on board for
  • mel: I don't think nancy pelosi would be terribly cozy, but if I got that close, I could confirm whether her eyes roll back in her head like a shark.
  • molly: would you wear your chum sweater?
  • mel: naturally.
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February 17, 2010
  • molly: is it weird to hope that barry will issue some sort of executive order to make john mayer stop saying stupid shit?
  • mel: the technology needed for that order could easily bankrupt the country.
  • mel: how would we combat all of his sexual napalm?
  • molly: okay, let's figure out a way to regulate it
  • mel: we get Warren G and Nate Dogg to revoke his hood pass?
  • molly: no, like tax it.
  • molly: every time he says something stupid, he gets taxed.
  • mel: like a swear jar, but interest-bearing
  • molly: exactly
  • mel: you know that he'll just pass on those costs to the consumer
  • molly: whatevs. just 'cause I have your body is a wonderland on my iPod doesn't mean I paid for it, y'know?
  • mel: you have your body is a wonderland on your iPod?
  • molly: it's like getting a mani/pedi for your earballs.
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January 20, 2010
  • mel: so all this stuff about obama and the legislature pushing bipartisanship has been making me think about sesame street
  • molly: because barney frank looks like oscar the grouch?
  • mel: yes.
  • mel: also, through kids shows, we're given this myth that we're supposed to cooperate with everyone, and behind every bully is just a sad kid who doesn't know how to interact with people, and that's why he shoved a staple into your lip
  • molly: oh, shit just got real
  • mel: but here's the thing - sometimes, you can't cooperate with everyone, and sometimes a bully is just a bully.
  • mel: and sometimes that bully needs a staple shoved into his lip, so he stops fucking with you.
  • molly: you're saying that the democrats are acting like tiny mel on the playground and letting staples get shoved into their lips repeatedly?
  • mel: it was outside of math class, but yes.
  • molly: what did you do? take karate and defeat the bully in front of the whole school?
  • mel: nope - again, that's what kid shows teach us.
  • mel: i watched over the next seven years as he got popular and had lots of friends
  • mel: then he got a boner in the guys shower room in tenth grade and was ostracized for the rest of high school
  • molly: so, we should shove staples into the republicans now, instead of waiting for them to get awkwardly-timed boners in the Senate sauna two elections from now?
  • mel: let's do both. i'll take staples - you're on boner duty.
  • molly: story of my lyfe.
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January 14, 2010
  • molly: so the obama kids can't watch jersey shore
  • mel: how else will they learn about how all Italian-Americans really are?
  • molly: is it weird that I'm starting to feel sorry for the jersey shore kids?
  • mel: um, yes?
  • molly: they're not really doing anything that all mid-20s people haven't done
  • mel: they're just doing it with more gel, body glitter and rhinestone tigers
  • molly: I mean, we've all done things we're not proud of
  • molly: we're just lucky that they weren't showed to millions of people
  • molly: I mean, if we really stood back with some perspective, I think we'd better understand The Situation.
  • mel: oh. I get it. All that just to make the reference to The Situation guy.
  • molly: patience is a virtue, yo.
  • mel: so you don't really feel sorry for them, do you?
  • molly: god no.
  • molly: I'll feel sorry for Jay Leno before I feel sorry for those blown-out bitches.
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January 12, 2010
  • molly: i read on people.com today that barry really values women who are up on sports, so i got my ass down to the gym and signed up for a women's basketball league.
  • mel: you hate sports.
  • molly: whatever. i used to hate pulling taffy too, but then i got that gig at the taffy factory 'cause it was the only job in town and now i love it and i hope i do it until the day i die.
  • mel: yeah, you love it.
  • molly: i know i do. and i started listening to sports talk radio.
  • mel: oh no.
  • molly: i think i'm a conservative republican now and my walkman is covered in taffy, but that's fine.
  • mel: you know, when we started this blog, you weren't a taffy-pulling jock. would you say that it's safe to say that barry changed u?
  • molly: yes. that's safe.
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January 7, 2010
  • mel: so according to these tax reform things, lower income students get $2,000 for their education.
  • molly: well, i'm definitely lower income.
  • mel: uhhhh, wait...
  • molly: yeah, what? beauty school?
  • mel: space camp? i'm pretty sure space camp doesn't count as school
  • molly: i'm pretty sure you only want to go to beauty school to satisfy
  • that weird mannequin fetish of yours.
  • mel: but they're so still.
  • molly: but then again, space is probably really boring. and I don't want to learn anything.
  • mel: and i guess i always have department stores.
  • molly: you wanna just get some space ice cream and go to Nordstrom's for some us time?
  • mel: you're special to me.
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January 6, 2010
  • mel: BOOM. Barry's going to call for $250 million big ones for math and science education.
  • mel: aww yeah, it's about to get real quadratic up in here
  • molly: our logarithms are going to beat the shit out of your logarithms
  • mel: the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire (because we set it on fire with our bunsen burners for motherfucking experimental purposes)
  • molly: we're dropping some bomb-ass beats on these plants here to see if they'll grow faster
  • mel: ...
  • molly: yeah, I ran out of bits pretty quickly. Good thing they're spending this money so kids won't be as fucking useless as we are.
  • mel: Fibonacci sequence, bitchez!
  • molly: do you know what that is, or are you just saying a phrase you vaguely remember?
  • mel: goddammit.
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January 5, 2010
  • mel: so I'm beginning to wonder why we haven't been invited to the white house.
  • mel: apparently anybody with a pulse can waltz into a dinner and get a fucking high five from the president
  • molly: while we, as esteemed pundits who are contributing to the ongoing political discourse, are getting the cold shoulder.
  • mel: though, to be fair, we are pundits with serious profanity problems and probable undiagnosed personality disorders
  • molly: you're right. if I was a secret service dude, I probably wouldn't let assholes like us in to kick it with Barry either.
  • mel: if I was a secret service dude, I would hate that earpiece thingy I'd have to wear.
  • molly: but I would enjoy the authority and dope sunglasses that came with it.
  • mel: unforch, I'm too pretty to take a bullet.
  • molly: yeah, I'm a bleeder.
  • mel: we should stick to typing nonsense and barging in uninvited to parties in the greater LA area.
  • molly: i wouldn't have it any other way.
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January 3, 2010
  • mel: okay, gotta come clean.
  • molly: yeah, we haven't talked in agez.
  • mel: I had a sex dream about barry and michelle
  • mel: and I sort of couldn't deal with it.
  • mel: don't judge me
  • mel: we are connected through time and space, girl.
  • molly: was the dream hot?
  • mel: is the oval office oval?
  • mel: was yours hot?
  • molly: let's just say the commander in chief was very commanding
  • mel: well, i'm glad we got that cleared up.
  • molly: yeah, missed you, boo.
  • mel: yay 2010!
  • molly: happy new year!
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November 4, 2009
  • mel: so...it's been a year since the election.
  • molly: yeah, but he's only been in office since inauguration day.
  • mel: so you're thinking he's gonna pull out the stops in the next two months and really wow us?
  • molly: yep, I'm expecting solar-powered hoverboards and Israeli-Palestinian theme parks in the Gaza Strip by January.
  • mel: what about the unregulated financial sector, an economy that's bleeding out, two increasingly unwinnable wars, continued lack of commitment to gay rights issues, slow progress on closing Gitmo, health care reform that is still deeply influenced by the insurance and pharma lobbyists, and North Korean nuclear tests?
  • molly: maybe you didn't hear me.
  • molly: HOVERBOARDS.
  • mel: you're right. I want a blue one! With flames!
  • molly: i'm gonna bedazzle mine!
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